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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.